All the Fat belongs to the Lord…

Have started college! Finally! Feeling a bit happier about my course now – have chatted to the 3 other under 30s BThers and it seems they are much more academic than I – and have done theology before. They were in fact offered the tripos where I wouldn’t qualify, so I am a lot happier about it. Thank you all who made encouraging noises and understood where I was coming from.

Not a huge amount to say really – lots of really good people, Amy already feels and is seen as part of the college (she is doing Greek with me), have been out for a drink last night and tonight and the cycle is getting slightly easier. It never seems harder than at 7.50 in the morning when I have to be in for 8.15 Morning Prayer. I tend to have spent the first half of both days just waking up and settling my stomach, but in the evening I become a lot more sociable! No lectures as such only lots of introductory tours and talks about admin thingys. apart from Greek which is 2 hours a day for this week only, going down to 3 hours a week I think. It’s quite a learning curve. The lecturer is great fun and keeps you focused for an entire hour. The biggest thing of course is getting your head round the alphabet, particularily letters which look like other letters in our own alphabet, so something much like a v is pronounced n, etc. But I am keeping up which is really encouraging.

Will give a further update later. I am currently knackered and need to be up in a few hours. If anyone would like to pray at 2:15 ish tomorrow it is my big meeting with lots of tutors of various parts of my life, where we decide about my attachment church and my course subjects. Thanks

Good morning,

Today is a very special day for my wife and I, for today is the day that I officially begin my training for ordained ministry. In order not to disappoint I will read to you a poem, once again, of George Herbert’s. For those who don’t know George Herbert lived from 1593 to 1633, and he studied at Trinity college here in Cambridge, going on to take Holy orders when around the age of 40. The poem is entitled “collared”

  I struck the board and cried, “No more;
        I will abroad!
  What? shall I ever sigh and pine?
My lines and life are free, free as the road,
  Loose as the wind, as large as store.
        Shall I be still in suit?
  Have I no harvest but a thorn
  To let me blood, and not restore
What I have lost with cordial fruit?
        Sure there was wine
  Before my sighs did dry it; there was corn
Before my tears did drown it.
  Is the year only lost to me?
Have I no bays to crown it,
No flowers, no garlands gay? All blasted?
                All wasted?
  Not so, my heart; but there is fruit,
        And thou hast hands.
    Recover all thy sigh-blown age
On double pleasures; leave thy cold dispute
Of what is fit and not. Forsake thy cage,
        Thy rope of sands,
Which petty thoughts have made, and made to thee
  Good cable, to enforce and draw,
        And be thy law,
  While thou didst wink and wouldst not see.
        Away! take heed;
        I will abroad.
Call in thy death’s-head there; tie up thy fears.
        He that forbears
To suit and serve his need,
        Deserves his load.”
But as I raved and grew more fierce and wild
        At every word,
  Methought I heard one calling, Child!
        And I replied, My Lord.
This is a poem which describes some of the emotions George Herbert felt about becoming a priest – although it could apply to learning to live as a Christian just as well. Feelings of resentment at God for planning our lives for us as well as learning to live with what he gives us, rather than making our own way. Frustration at the calling we each have from God, a calling to serve one another completely. I think this is relevant to our readings today and it is this topic of servanthood that I want to speak on this morning.

Before I begin I would like to say a few words on our Old and New Testament readings. Our Old Testament today is from the book of Proverbs, a book thought to be written by king Solomon, the son of King David. It is often known of as “A Capable Wife”, and is used usually in a jocular manner to point out how far the wife’s responsibilities stretch. I think we often think of Jewish culture, particularly 2.5 thousand years ago as being sexist and patriarchal, but in our reading today the woman of the house is portrayed as running the house, as well as bringing in earnings, being in charge of property, selling and buying land, and manual labour. It seems her husbands reputation is upheld largely because of his wife, and her love and charity almost excel her hard work. The point I would like to draw out here is that the wife in the reading, as well as the rest of us, is noble not because of where she comes from or what class she is in, but because of her servant heart – this is a woman who is obviously wealthy, as her husband sits at the city gates – and yet she doesn’t sit back idly – she serves her family, servants and neighbours.

Our new Testament reading from James has similar themes. We are told not to have envy or selfish ambition, not to give into our desires but to be humble and submissive with our brothers and sisters. This week I spent a few days on retreat at West Malling Abbey, which is an Anglican Benedictine community of nuns in Kent, quite near Maidstone. Now if George Herbert was worried about the constraints and pressures of priesthood – he should have visited a religious community! We often have quite a romantic view of the monastic life – a lovely life of prayer, reading, gardening and early bedtimes, but the reality can be a lot more demanding. I don’t know about you but we love having meals with friends and family, and it is often a great time for socialising and getting to know people. Could you imagine eating every single meal, from now until the day you die, completely and utterly in silence? I found this hard enough to do for 2 days, and trust me, you become very aware of how loudly you eat! Imagine vowing never to marry, never to hold a commercial job, never to own anything you can call your own. And yet one of the most important things about the Benedictine way of life, above all else, is servanthood. They aim to outdo one another in showing love and service, and this is far more important to them than silence at meals, how many church services they attend a day – and also far harder than most of the rules we like to get bogged down in.

Our gospel reading today is taken from the book of Mark, although the event is described in various forms in the other gospels. Jesus has once again prophesied that he will be killed and resurrected, and the disciples did not understand him. They then all go on a journey to Capernaum, and on the way they all get into a bit of a tizzy about which of the disciples was the best of the lot. This probably seems silly to us, I can’t quite imagine our two church wardens getting together to discuss which is the best, or Archbishop John Sentamu turning to Archbishop Rowan and saying “Frankly Rowan I am much better than you are”, but that doesn’t mean we don’t think it sometimes. If we are honest with ourselves, how often have we done a good deed, and then thought that perhaps we are a slightly better person than so and so, or that we are better than most people. I often watch a news bulletin about a particularly nasty criminal and say to myself “I’m glad I am not as bad as that guy”. But Jesus is quite clear this isn’t the way God rates us. God loves all of us, regardless of what we have or haven’t done, and wishes us all to be close to him. But more than that – God calls us to serve one another. The reading actually says that we have to become “servants of all”. That means a lot more than helping out in church occasionally, or making a cup of tea for a friend, although that is important – this means giving our whole lives to serve everyone – no matter who they are, or what they have done. The Benedictine communities are famous for hospitality, and they take the bible very seriously when it talks about treating strangers as if they were Jesus himself.

The first will be last and the last will be first. Peoples views about ordination differ considerably, but one pretty universal attribute is a sort of respect. I was talking once to a priest who was ordained very young, around 23/24. He said that what amazed him, the day after his ordination, that rather than people laughing at him in the street wearing a dog collar in his early twenties, people twice or three times his age would take their hat off to him, ladies would say good morning to him, youths would stop their rowdiness as he walked on by. Although this is often quite right there are places where people do come to see clergy as higher beings, and they in turn to want to be treated as such, seeing certain jobs as beneath them, for someone else to waste their time on. In fact all priests are ordained into the diaconate, which means literally “in order to serve”, indeed all Bishops are too.
I was talking to a priest who is the Warden of the Pilsdon Community in Malling, which is an Anglican community which looks after the homeless and marginalised of society, and as it is the kind of work that greatly interests Amy and I, I was asking how encouraging his Bishop was that he was running this house rather than being a vicar. He replied that his Bishop had been wonderful – but that it was quite clear that doing this was not a good “career move”. This shocked me hugely, why is it that working amongst some of the most needy people in the country for many years, living with them and looking after them, giving them a home exactly as Jesus calls us to do is not seen as a good “career move”. I think it is time to see merit the way Jesus saw it – not in terms of social class, or profession, or having a fancy degree. It is time to recognise those who live their lives mostly for others. In my last Church there was a man, a widower, who came to Church every Sunday morning. He had taken it upon himself, in his retirement, to polish all the brass in the Church fortnightly. I think i must have been one of three people who knew this fact – he didn’t tell anyone, and if you caught him doing it he made light of it. I know there are many here who do the same sort of things, and the more unnoticed you are in your service, the nobler the task. The first will be last and the last will be first.

This is a constant struggle to me, as it was to George Herbert. How do we really dedicate our lives to service – it is such a hard call, and one that is on all of us, not just those called to be ordained. I would like to thank you all today for your support and service to us over the last couple of months in quite a turbulant time in our lives, and thank you for allowing me to take part in your services. I may be attached to another Church from a bit later on this term but i hope to continue coming and helping for as long as I can.

I would like to finish with the last couple of lines from the poem. Jesus tells us that whoever welcomes little children in his name welcomes him. Amy and I went to see the film Children of Men last night, based on the book by PD James. It isn’t nearly as good as the book of course, but it is about this world in 20 years time – but not a single child has been born for 18 years. The lack of children causes the whole world to go to pot, and it shows us how much we take them for granted. Every time we put up with a screaming baby in Church, or have a young one climbing up to the altar in the peace – we should remember that children are very close to our Lords heart.

As I raved and grew more fierce and wild
        At every word,
  Methought I heard one calling, Child!
        And I replied, My Lord.

Should be writing tomorrows sermon right now. I felt before I started I had better get this off my chest. Prepare to be offloaded upon.

Had the Ridley newcomers tea today, on the lawn at Ridley hall. It was lovely. Met a few more people, got to congratulate Dave (wannabepriest) on his new baby, met some staff. Everyone was lovely, and being asked if I had forgotten my iron by Sylvester (I’m not joking he really is called that) made me feel right at home. Went to look at my study with Harry and his wife Zoey (and baby Ezra) and it is on the top floor, and very nice, with a good view. Was given my timetable for this term, along with lots of other bumph. It was something in the bumph that caused the grrrness.

The background to my grrrness lies in the fact that there are three courses that we under 30s can take at Ridley. One is the Tripos, which is practically a pure theology degree taught at the Divinity faculty, and I can’t do that anyway because I am not clever enough (need a 2:1 in another degree). The other, which was the only alternative up until recently, is the BTh, a Cambridge uni accredited course taught entirely by the Federation (all the religious training colleges), which is much more ministerial in nature.

They are starting this year a new course which is accredited by Anglia Ruskin Uni, the local ex-poly, called the BA. This is apparently very similar to the BTh in content, style and structure, taught by the same people, and the same “difficulty” level, but it gives the federation more freedom to teach what they like than the BTh, and it means that they can assess the students in other ways than just exams, which Cambridge doesn’t allow.

I was pretty much told they were phasing out the BTh, and that I was being accepted on to the BA as standard, as it was much better than the BTh. Obviously it seems silly to go to a Cambridge college, live in Cambridge accommodation, work at a Cambridge degree level, and then not to get a Cambridge degree, but I am not much of a snob, and the BA at Anglia does sound a lot more well suited to ministerial formation, so I kept quiet and trusted the Ridley tutors, because they know a lot more about it than I do.

Ok, short and pointless details over. I was looking through my pack when I found out that there are only 9 out of 30 first year ordinands who were under 30, and therefore doing three years rather than one or two. 5 of them are doing Tripos, which is fine, 3 of them are doing the BTh, and then there’s me, doing the BA. On my own. There are no other 3-year students doing my course. There are 2-year Students doing it (to certificate level), but this does mean that in my final year I will be the only one in my college doing my course (to my knowledge). It also means that everyone else doing my course will be at least 8 years older than me – not a big problem as I am used to being the youngest at most things and feel very comfortable with people of all ages but is still a consideration.

This has upset me slightly. It isn’t that I would prefer to be doing the BTh necessarily, I don’t think I would take well to essay examinations (not having done any of that since GCSE), it is just that I feel I have been pushed into a decision without knowing all the facts (although I was never actually asked, it was made to look like a done deal). What do the three other under 30s know that I don’t? Should I have kicked up a fuss? Should I kick up a fuss now, or would it only make me look like a troublemaker on my first week?

I would like to think they were just being tactful, and the reason I am on the BA is because it is in fact a much easier course – but some of the 2 year students on the same course are academically brilliant, so that probably isn’t the case.

Of course snobbery does come into it. I don’t feel as happy about being the only non-Cambridge under-30 Student at Ridley as I do about being one of four. Some people I have told about my course situation have made disapproving noises (although not everyone), and it does always sound like I am making excuses for why i am not getting a Cambridge degree – more so if I am the only person in my college!

Amy has been slapping me and explaining that this really doesn’t matter – that ministerial formation isn’t about academic ability or how posh your degree looks, and that if anything the course I am on will be better for me than the alternative. I guess I just don’t like to be seen as a walkover, that if the staff were finding it hard to get Students to take their new (and experimental) course I wish they had just said so rather than glossing it over.

Well I feel a lot better now! Perhaps I have got the wrong end of the stick entirely – I certainly have no problems with the Ridley staff in general, they all seem brilliant and lovely people. Perhaps it is just pre-college nerves. Will have a chat with my personal tutor on Wednesday and hopefully clear it up then. Until then – SERMON!!!

I seem to have been blogging in my head throughout my stay at the Abbey
but now that I come to blog in Earnest I find myself forgetting all of it! I’ll give it a go.

I did get there in time for tea, and was amazed at the beauty of the walk from the station. Before you even get to the abbey gatehouse you can see the cascade, where the river meets the outer wall;

I was greeted by the Mother/Abbot/Abbess. She is a very lively and loquacious person, and she made me feel very welcome. She is a lot taller than I imagined a nun to be and from the States, with a very soft voice. She is by far the tallest of all the nuns, and probably about average in age, certainly not the oldest.

The other guests were few, and two of them I didn’t really see. The two I really spoke to were a lady called Yvonne and another lady who I shall not name. The lady i shall not name I think was evangelical and we knew lots of people in common, she was very quiet most of the time and knew what she was talking about when she did speak. She was lovely to have around and always very helpful when I needed to know anything.

Yvonne was interesting – she had been coming for 25 years, and the first time she came she was working as a prostitute and artist’s model (it’s ok she gave me permission to post this!). She was amazed at the nuns response to her profession, which was simply love and acceptance, and had been going there since. She is 72 but doesn’t look a day over 60 – but 6 years ago she became a Christian (or “fell in love with Jesus” as she put it) when her husband died having gambled all the money away and left lots of bills to pay. She called out to God to help her for the first time in her life and she instantly went into a deep sleep. When she woke hours later she was terrified, she felt very odd indeed. She phoned up the man who had taken the funeral and he explained about the Holy Spirit and tried to calm her. She suddenly found that all the resentment and bitterness that she carried around with her had gone literally overnight. Since she has been learning more about Jesus and done some pretty interesting things – Jesus told her to go skydiving a couple of years ago and on the 16th October she is swimming underwater with sharks. She is a really lovely lady who made a big impression on me – it was wonderful to see someone so passionate about Jesus – not in a preachy or evangelistic way but a completely genuine way. I have to admit I cringed a lot when she talked about Jesus, but that says a lot more about my own prejudices and attitudes than hers.

In terms of what I “got” from the experience – well a lot of peace and quiet. I was surprised at how quickly I settled in, and how much i enjoyed the services once I had picked up the chant music – the first few services I went to were more like a choral concert for me. They have their own communion service – written before the ASB. It is very similar to Common Worship although a bit simpler – and it doesn’t have a confession! Apparently the earliest eucharist liturgies didn’t, and the idea behind it is that we are already forgiven if we are communicants, so why bother. What a thing to find in a Benedictine convent! I have to admit it was lovely, and helped to focus on what Christ had done for us, rather on what we aren’t doing for him.

I did their labrynth a couple of times, which is basically a maze mown in the lawn, which one uses for prayer. Being an utterly unspiritual person at the best of times I was amazed (no pun intended) to find it very conducive to prayer, and I spent lots of wonderful sunny time sitting in the bench in the middle chatting away to my maker, not least because of the very busy looking squirrels which seemed utterly unbothered by my proximity.

In terms of general hospitality it was all a bit odd. I only actually met and talked to one of the nuns, and yet I feel like I have met them all. I only saw them walking into the chapel (you can’t really see the nuns stalls from where the guests sit) from a distance except when we received communion in a circle around the altar(/communion table), during which it felt like I was receiving alongside people I had known for years. We ate all our meals in silence, except for lunch when the guest sister (who happened to be the Abbess this week) read to us (which felt a lot like eating in front of the TV). I didn’t really get the eating your meals in silence thing, although it did make you eat slower so that munching and slurping noises are kept to a minimum. The only time for any real chatting was tea time, when the guest sister and guests have a bit of a daily party.

I suppose the only other experience I am happy to share with the world (all three of you, especially this far down the page!) is about vocation. As I alluded to in my last post the last time I visited the Abbey instead of being shocked at the monastic life I was actually quite attracted to it, and spent a good while thinking that it might be for me, at least after University. I knew there were a couple of monks living in the grounds of the Abbey, and I always kept it in mind as an option. As you all know that idea is mostly scuppered now, what with having a wife and a calling to ordained ministry and all, but it still lingers in my heart, rather confusingly for me. I hoped returning might help me to understand this. So i was fairly shocked when I found out that the male community, who were Anglican Cistercians, disbanded in 2004 – the year I graduated, due to low numbers. The buildings they used have now been bought by the Pilsdon Community who are the Anglican’s answer to Emmaus, but without the furniture. I visited them before I got on the train home and chatted to Rev Peter Bennet, the warden, about the work they do there with homeless and marginalised people. Rev Peter Bennet is married. Not only is their community inspiring and beautiful, but it has helped me slightly to understand what is going on with me, as we have felt for a while now that community is going to be a large part of our ministry, in the more “religious” meaning of the word. Suffice to say I have had a lovely few days, if a bit scary in places, and i look forward to finding out more of what God has got in store.

For further reading on the Anglican Cistercians, go to Aelred’s website here

While I was away the car was fixed, passed its MOT and got an annual service carried out in the process – the bill came to a hundred pounds under what I had budgetted for servicing (it has been due for a service for some time now).

All that leaves for now is to say

She is now so old that she doesn’t want anyone to count her rings – so if anyone asks she’s 22. She is now happily playing with her birthday present and waiting for a couple of friends to come over for supper. Supper, yes, I believe I’m cooking. Better get started – chicken caserole in 1hr15 – gulp!

Term starts next week, as many of you know, and I am quite nervous. Not so much because of all the new people etc, as I know lots of Ridleyans already (although not enough people from the Federation yet) but because of the work. I am actually allergic to it. Lectures I can sit in, books I can read (slowly) but sitting down and writing something – I just can’t do it, at least not until last minute (and beyond). Apparently we will be starting slowly, so that’s a blessing, but I really didn’t think I’d be going back to academia again when I left Uni. Better start on the Greek. Did you know they had a different alphabet in those days!?

Spending a few days in West Malling Abbey down in Kent as a sort of preperation. I haven’t been back there since my confirmation classes, when it made a big impact on me, and made me seriously question whether or not that was what I wanted to do with my life. So it should be interesting going back there, as it was right at the beginning of my Christian journey – I wonder how different it will feel. Will they still have the same prayer cards my fellow confirmation candidate found so amusing (it had a fish on it)?

Have to take the train as the car is in being serviced/MOTd. I don’t understand why having a deteriorating fuel cap will cause you to fail your MOT but a deteriorating front disc brake won’t. The world has gone mad. So I have to start cycling in 15 minutes, in which time I need a shower and I need to pack. Easy.

Oh and the computer arrived – it had been sitting 2 miles away all morning! It is quite simply the sexiest machine I have ever used (and no you can’t play on it) and I spent a long time testing it out with game demos and dvds. However Windows Media Center is a bit odd – I don’t get it. What does it do? I have just transferred my laptops entire hard drive over the network (it took all night) so i now have my hard drive in a zip folder.

Ok, I now have 12 minutes.

My new computer has approximately 20 minutes to arrive before the people at dell deliveries are officially lying. I am incredibly excited. It’s like getting married all over again! Um…

Enjoyed Ridley social last night. Met a few people I didn’t know, took candy from a baby (well, Chocolate cake from a toddler).
We also heard quite an amusing comment from one of the spice who shall remain nameless;

“I didn’t much like my school chaplain, he was gay and had a chiuaua”

I do apologise if this comment offends the pro gay lobby, or the pro chiuaua lobby for that matter. Such prejudice.

I have received my staircase allocation, I am in staircase B and my roomie is a man who has a name. A quick google search (with church as a wildcard) brought up someone by this name who is currently leaving a lay assistant job at an evangelical Anglican church in Sheffield, who leads worship and sells his music and has a tattoo. In fact I saw his tattoo before I saw a picture of his face, which is quite worrying;

Scary ey? Well actually having seen his face I remember him as being quite not scary, so I’m not too worried. His music seems quite friendly too. I think it’s about winter garments mostly.

Other than that not much to report. Looking forward to term starting and my computer, which has just this second become late. Grrrr. Hope all are well.